Conflicted

Before (6 months)

After (16 months)

Every time I look at old pictures of Luc, he looks more bald, yes, but also a lot chubbier. With each month, Luc has lost more and more of the chub. At the time, I never thought Luc was chubby at all. He's always seemed lean to me and everyone else. Most importantly, he always looks healthy. And he's barely been sick since he was born.
Recent research has even shown, and proven, that fat babies and toddlers are not a good thing. Sure, they look cute, and you think they'll work off that milk fat when they start walking, but scientists have found that fat cells start creating as early as infancy and can cause weight problems later in life.
This is also true with forcing children to eat when they're not really hungry. Until a child is a few years old, their brains literally have no understanding of over-eating or eating when they're not hungry. They have a primal instinct for eating- eat, when full, stop eating. I've never been one to push Luc to eat. Once he's full, he stops, and I stop. I'm not saying I never sat there on the couch with him and tired to bribe him to eat more thinking there was no way his stomach could really be full. But he was and refused my persuasive, pouty lips.

Luc has never been a big eater. Ever. And though logically I can tell myself that's most likely not going to change until he's a teenager, I still hope every night that he'll eat enough to carry him through until late in the morning. Then 3:45 am, 4 am, 4:30 am, or 5am rolls around, and I awake in a shot to hear Luc crying for food. Fiddling with his hands, sleeves of his PJs, or the sleeves on my PJs, he gulps down 8-8.5 oz of milk. I mindlessly sit there, holding his bottle, head resting on the back of the couch allowing myself to zone out for those 10-15 minutes before slouching down on the couch to fall back asleep with Luc when he's finished.

[People have told me of their stories of giving the toddler water when they wake for food at this age and within a few days they stop waking up. One, Luc refuses the water. I tried that. And Two, knowing how little Luc eats and how he 'snacks' all day, I don't think he's just looking for comfort in the middle of the night through the form of milk.]

I often times get mad at Luc for being so hungry at unGodly hours of the night at this age. (However, I think this is mostly due to dishonest Mothers and a social attitude that toddlers should not be waking up at all during the night, especially for food. In non-western cultures, it is expected for children to not only sleep in the same bed as the parents, but wake up for feedings in the middle of the night until they're 3 years old). Then I get mad at myself for wanting to deny this lil guy some food when he needs it so I can sleep. And then I selfishly think I can never have another kid and continue this complete lack of a good-night's rest for a few more years. Then I scold myself for being selfish again and denying Luc a playmate and best friend for life in not giving him a sibling or two-just for a few more hours of sleep for me.

So Luc doesn't eat much at night or before bed. So he needs a little supplement during the night, still, at 16 months old. And so you may think I'm not Mother of the Year for then cuddling with him on the couch for us to fall back asleep until the alarm awakes us (me, then I wake Luc because he's in a deep sleep again by then) at 6am. But I'm just trying to survive.
...And don't think I haven't tried almost everything to get him to sleep longer or filled up before bed. I have tried everything but letting him have a beer before I tuck him in. :-P
...But when the 6am alarm does chime, and reluctantly I open my eyes, praying to God it's a joke and I still have 1 more hour, I glance over at Luc sleeping soundly next to me and smile. And I think, soon enough, I'll be opening my eyes when the alarm rings and he will no longer be laying next to me. I'll be then wishing I was snuggled up with him and he was little again. And I'll miss hearing him laugh out loud in his sleep.