One morning at work I was talking to my cube-mate (a 52 year-old woman with two sons around my age). She was asking about me and Luc, etc. I proceeded to tell her about my lack of sleep, again, last night, and how he threw a tantrum the day before over nothing (so I thought). She started to tell me that her younger son acted so peculiar sometimes and did things that she seriously thought something was wrong with him. We both found out our boys were/are the same in that they freak out when you put their winter jackets on them. She said she later realized her son hated it because it was bulky and restricted his movement. It also made him way too hot. She stopped buying expensive winter coats and started putting him in fleece, and never had a fit about his jacket again. I've started to do the same thing with Luc. And he has yet to scream and run away when I put his fleece on instead of his winter coat. And the fleece is a pullover!
She admitted had this son been her first, she never would've had a second child. There are times when I think Luc makes a very good case for himself to remain an only child. She recommended I read "Raising your Spirited Child" by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka. She said, even if Luc isn't what they talk about as a "spirited" child, it could be beneficial. She said, the most beneficial thing for her was changing the way she thought about being a mother, her son, and how he acted and how she reacted to him. It taught her how to change her way of thinking for the better. That in turn made it easier to parent her son.
I immediately ordered the book from amazon.com. I wasn't sure if Luc was "spirited" by the author's definition, but I know at times he can be more than I can handle and a little more intense than what I think a normal child is.
When the book arrived, I randomly started reading a few pages and started to cry. This was Luc. (at times. already.) and there's someone out there who understands what I'm going through and how Luc is.
Don't get me wrong. I've never thought something was 'wrong' with Luc. Ever. All I know is sometimes he's too smart, too curious, too energetic, too intense, and too much for my exhausted, full-time employee mind and body.
"The spirited child—often called "difficult" or "strong-willed"—possesses
traits we value in adults yet find challenging in children. Research
shows that spirited kids are wired to be "more"—by temperament, they are
more intense, sensitive, perceptive, persistent, and uncomfortable with
change than the average child."
Still at the beginning of the book, I'm already benefiting. So far I haven't labeled Luc with negative terms. And luckily, for him and myself, everyone around him usually puts a positive spin on his characteristics. In this book, she talks about that importance, how it shapes the child later in life, and how parents have more patience and tolerance when they look at these personality traits as a positive thing and accept them in the child.
Recently, I've started to do this on my own, before even getting the book. I was seeing in myself how impatient I was becoming with Luc when he did things 'his way'. I would get annoyed when he was pulling cutting boards out of the cabinet every time I put it back, taking the chords to appliances and trying to 'plug' them in to the cabinet door. I get anxious when he sits in his high chair and feels the texture of his food for minutes at a time before eating it. I realized if I look at it differently- not trying to keep my cabinet doors closed and organized, all things inside, not rushing him through his meal because I'm tired of sitting at the table watching him discover his food, things aren't so bad.
Instead, when he takes the same small cutting boards out of the cabinet and carries them or plays with them, I think: there's no harm and maybe it'll inspire him to be a chef. Plus, it's almost like he's participating in cooking dinner with me. I'm at the counter cutting veggies, he's holding the kitchen tool I'm currently using to make dinner. In a weird way, we're making dinner together.
Instead of his trying to plug the chord into the cabinet door as annoying and stupid, I try to think of how smart he is and where he got that idea. When he had a little cold a month ago, I used the vaporizer in his room every night. He would see me plug the vaporizer into the outlet on the wall. He tried a few times after that to do it himself (with my supervision). I need to remember he's smart to associate the plug from the vaporizer (even a month later) to the plug on another appliance in a totally different part of the house, and he knows that the end gets put into something in order to make it work. How genius is that for a 1 year old?!
When I want Luc to use a crayon to color and not to dump them all out of the box just to try to put them back in, and do so up side down, I should remain calm and be interested to see how he solves putting all the crayons into a little box. (sometimes it takes me a minute to get that last crayon in!)
Me wanting to not sit at the dinner table for 30 minutes while he picks apart of piece of chicken nugget or pea, I sit back and let him discover the difference in textures and looks of the food. Why am I rushing? He's curious to teach himself about what he's eating, how it feels, and tastes. Of course, when it ends up on the floor- that's just another story. I'm still trying to work on remembering he's learning cause and effect. It's hard when you're reaching down for the 30th time to pick up the same cracker.
I like to let Luc climb up and down the stairs by himself (with me behind him) so he can get comfortable with them. But I get so impatient when he stops every other step to pick up a piece of fuzz or wave and say Hi to his shadow on the wall. I loose count how many times I say "Luc. Keep moving." and give him a little bump with my knee on his diapered butt. Remind myself he's observant, kind-saying hello to himself and me, and playful- finding a game in going up stairs-- that's a child for you!
Some might see Luc as... ---> This is how I label my lil guy...
risky--> adventurist
impatience ---> perfectionist
slow ---> observant
non stop ---> energetic
into everything ---> curious
inappropriate ---> silly/funny/clown
I've said before that as Luc grows I have to remember he is his own person. He has his own thoughts, opinions, ideas, likes, and dislikes. They may not (and probably never will) match mine. I have to respect him. He may not be talking politics and religion right now, but he doesn't like his winter coat. I'm just glad it's starting with smaller, simpler things and working their way up. This Mommy has to learn slowly.
